i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
