There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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