Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
