Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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