I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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