fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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