What a fucking waste of an outfit
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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