I wish I could punch you in the face.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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