Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
