I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
