We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
areolas are like halos for boobs.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
