What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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