You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
