I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
