i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
