I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
