note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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