Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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