i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
