he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
