sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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