i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
