I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
