Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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