My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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