I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
