dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Randomize
