Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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