You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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