Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Mom said you looked used
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
