if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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