He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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