[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
