you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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