He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
