chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
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