Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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