I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
