its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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