saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
