My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
