Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
