you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
