is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
