good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
