i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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