I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
