there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
