I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
