I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
